sleep

so there i was, sleeping, when all of a sudden, there was thing boinging sound followed by the opening of my eyes, at the grand ole; time of 3 friggin’ thirty am. nice. i got to see k before she headed off to bed, and since it will take me at least an hour to wind back down, i thought i would surf and write a bit. i was bloghopping earlier, and have come to the conclusion that there is something in the blogosphere of late; moods that are sad or lonely. nearly every page i visited was a post about sadness of grief in some form or another. i hope that all my blogger buddies get feeling better soon.

i understand about down days. i used to have so many of them. before i fell apart in september, 2001, there were many days i spent wishing for something better; knowing that i was dying inside unless something drastic happened. and then it did. i was at a friend’s place, we had been drinking all afternoon, (i had more than my quota to say the least), and i excused myself to use the facilities. when i had not returned to join the group in the back yard, they came to find me. i was a hysterical mess, crying my eyes out curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor. i had hit the very bottom of the barrel at that very moment. what happened the rest of that day and in the days which followed are not remembered by me, only what i was told in the months after.

suffice to say that the road back to my true self was one of great discovery, recovery, pain, sorrow, grief and reclaiming. it was a long road, one i would not have chosen on my own, but that a force greater than myself lead me toward. there were days when i would sleep hours on end, and nights my mind would race so hard i never slept. there were lots of times bestus would dry the oceans of tears, and hold the hysterical woman who lay babbling before her. i learned that great things were waiting for me on the other side of the ‘dark’, if only to get through it and battle the inner demons.

one of those major demons was alcoholism. i learned that i was, in fact, an alcoholic. not that i choose to label myself, and not that i was a hard and fast drinker my whole life, just toward the beginning of the end (in the few years prior to the bathroom incident at my friend’s place). one day, about 6 months after we got our apartment i just stopped. there was beer in the fridge, something inside me just stopped me from finishing them off. i am better now, but in those early months that came, it was really bad. i could not work, i could not leave the apartment, but for the doctor appointments that bestus took me to.

that was over three years ago, and next month will mark the 5 year anniversary of my break down/break out. i am not that person. i am the person i was meant to be. in fact, through the learning process, i know i will only become a stronger person. perhaps sometime, i will realize my full potential, but for now, i’m content with the way things are and that i am ok.

sunsets from late july 2006

storm clouds from last week!

saturday ramblings

did a bit of updating my links. i’ll add more as i find those that i search each day. also, added my page to umpteen blog directories. you would think i was popular. not.

work is going ok this week. i am glad i have the next 2 days off. my nerves are about shot. i try to relax at work, and not let the stress get to me, but i am still having issues with headaches. advil migraine extra strength gel-caps are my new best friend. and the heartburn is returning as well. pffffffffft. my heartburn medication of choice is gaviscon, it is like fruit flavoured foam but it seems to take the edge off. chewing some right now, yummy. 

while bloghopping to my every day places, i read lots of great comments, and post some as well. obviously, not welcome on one page,,,so much for trying to be supportive. ’nuff said.

i have been thinking that i would like to change this template a little bit again. i really like lisa’s new page, go on now, go check it out, i will be here when you get back.

nice, eh? also stop over and see my friend the brat (deni), tell her poet sent you. i always gain a fresh perspective after reading what deni has to say. i usually spend a fair bit of time on all of your pages, blog hopping your links, and finding new and interesting bloggers from all over the world. amazing little community we have here. i’m glad i found all of you. 

on another topic. in 1989 in this month of august, i established contact with my bio family. a contact that would forever change the way i viewed adoption and the life i was always grateful for, even more so. i mean i was always thankful for the family i was settled into, but never more so than when i learned of the lives of my siblings. my older sister had a horrid childhood, and was made to feel like she owed the adoptive parents for them taking her. there is much more to her story, but i am not at liberty to discuss her life, and i will not start now. the younger ones were brought up in the environment with our birth parents, and after meeting my birth mother, and learning of her issues, i expect it was tough living there. i have posted before that my contact with the younger ones ended shortly after our bio dad passed away in 1994. i guess that is the way they want it. they were not in my life before, why would they want to come into it now? i let that go years ago.  my older sister, we have had such a relationship of turmoil. she blames me, i blame me, i blame her.  mostly i blame the fact that we just can’t get past some past hurts. some my fault, some her’s. never quite put in the past.  and then there is the past. what if we had grown up together. my mom has said that if only they had known that the 2 little girls in the foster home that august in 1965 were sisters, they would have gladly brought us both home. i think the system back then sucked, and they broke kids up for easier placement, blah, blah. anyway, all water under the proverbial bridge, as they say.  my sister has always told me that she knew she had a younger sister, and when she and i met, it was really very awkward. a stranger standing before you, who looks like you, shares the same genes, and family history. all very mind blowing. perhaps, in having a good upbringing, and being kind of spoiled (that is to say i had all the things i ever needed and most of what i wanted lol), made me truly appreciate what i had. and to never take it for granted. i never have. having an adopted brother 10 yrs older, i pretty much grew up as an only child. it would have been nice to have someone to share my clothes with , or hang out with. but it was not to be.

i would like to be accepted for who i am.

so enough about that. on to other topics that seem to be really bothering me lately. this summer has been particularly difficult where drinking is concerned. in the ‘front office’ (smoking area) at work, and right in plain sight of the liquor store next door, i hear many comments about the weekend parties, camping and bonfires, and the consumption of beer and other great drinks. it has been making me feel vulnerable lately. no i am not going to hit the store, don’t’ worry about that. i have too many years under my belt to go back to it. what i miss is the ‘good times’ parties and campfires, shooting the shit, and getting a little buzz on. i like being clear headed, it took a long time to get my head straight after those few years of heavy drinking and drowning my sorrows, blah, blah. but for sitting on a plank by the water’s edge, listening to the waves gently lap the shoreline, the moonlight casting a white path on the waves. listening to the loons as they call to one another. the crackling of the fire as it slowly burns out, a warm summer night’s breeze blowing my hair away from my face…..suddenly jerked to reality by the bite of a black fly………….poet

wednesday

work is a bit less stressful lately. i don’t know why. i am trying to relax and let my expertise fall into place. i mentioned to my super supervisor about my concerns, and she told me that i was doing fine, and not to worry so much. i explained that i did not want to reflect badly on myself or her, and she said that i wasn’t. my stats are pretty good. she also told me that she had finally got me taped, and we would go over the tape and i would be able to tell for myself that i was doing ok.

i did not go to the gym this morning. i will go tomorrow, that is if i get up early enough. i should be able to. i am pretty tired right now, and it is cereal time, followed by bed. k gets home after 2am this morning. that is the grossest late shift ever. in september, our new hours will take effect, and our latest night will be before midnight. that works for us both. 

i have been checking my stats page of late, and there are visitors from england, australia, new zealand, and many from the us and canada. i am glad you all drop in to see how things are going here. thank you. i do, however have a stalker. not sure why, guess they want to keep up with the comings and goings of me and mine. 

august 16, 1977. the day that elvis presley passed away. i was 12 years old, and was playing in the basement, listening to my am transistor radio when the announcement came on the radio. it was a shock. i recall telling my mom. where were you ?

today is mom’s birthday! she is 79. she is in pretty good shape for the shape she is in. i’m glad i still have my parents. i am the age they were when they adopted me. wow. i can’t imagine being my age and having a little baby to care for and nurture. i guess i am content to be the crazy cat lady. bwa haa haa. 

thought for today………when you hop blogs, do you leave comments? do you read many posts, or just the updated ones? how did you find mine? happy hump day!!!!!! poet

monday night ramblings

good evening faithful readers friends. here is the latest for today. i went to the gym this morning, and felt really good for having done so. my doctor appointment went fine. my cholesterol readings are higer than the normal range. however, the doc didn’t say anything about putting me on medication to help reduce it. his main focus for me was diet and exercise. those are two things i have control over, and am working towards the goal of a healthier and lighter and more fit me.

my anxiety and depression seem to be in check as well as my asthma. he seems to think that the headaches are due in part to my going back to work. while i was off, i was not as stressed, but in the weeks that i have been back to work, i find the headaches are pretty bad. i also made an appointment with my eye doctor and i see him on sept 9. i need to re evaulate how i sit at work, and try and reduce the amount of strain i am having with my eyes. i know that i can sit here in front of our computer here at home and never have a problem. at work, with the stress of stats and talk time, and trying to do well for my new supervisor, and overall the calls we have been having lately, it has been very stressful. long story short, doctor asked if i really liked my job…i do, it has just been a bit stressful lately, and i think alot had to do with my being off for those three months.  short version…i will be fine!

on a good note, we went out to my parents place today, they both thought they could see a decrease in my size. the scales don’t say it, but they said my upper body looked smaller. someone at work last week asked if i was on a diet too. so hitting it at the gym is beginning to make an impact on my body.   my parents looked well today. tha tis saying alot, since mom has inoperable cancer in both lungs, and dad had triple by pass surgery before christmas last year. dad is 82 and mom is gonna be 79 on wednesday. they got me late in life. (on a completely different topic, but dad said that after they got me, he said that people would ask if i was his grand daughter,,,um, no she’s mine) i love my parents very much. i hate to htink of them as in such poor health, but i should count my lucky stars that they have been as well as they have been up to this point. 

so it is getting late, that is the round up for today. back to the grind tomorrow. yippee. i am going to try and rethink my strategy for taking care of my callers. try and relax, and not be so focused on the talktime stats etc. i am also going to have a little powwow with N my super supervisor. let her know i am having some issues with stress. she has told me over and over that i am doing really well since i got back from my leave. i want to keep it up, but i don’t wanna burn out either. i think a little one on one with her might help.

k gives great pep talks too. i feel better than i did earlier today. i just gotta learn to let things come as they will, and not stress about the things i cannot control. if i get up at a decent time tomorrow, i might find myself at the gym, breaking a sweat….oh that reminds me, when i was there this morning, i was half way thorugh my work out before i broke a sweat, and my heart rate felt good, a bit higher than we want it, andi  was not super out of breath. hmmm, that tells me it is working. i can’t carry on a conversation with anyone when i am doing the exercises. i hear people who jog together can speak comfortably while running are in good shape. well i am first to admit that isn’t going to happen yet. give me 6 months. 

i thought about posting a before picture. still debating that one. 

happy monday night faithfuls……………………………..poet

10pm

it is way too early to go to bed, but i have been up so freaking long, my eye lids are gonna slam shut. i did hop about a bit, left a comment here and there. work is tiring and stressful lately. at least it isn’t humid (for now).   poet

cool and raining

15C and it is comfy now. not nearly as humid as it has been, which works very well for me. not being able to sleep last night hampered me from going to the gym in the opening hours this morning. i will go tomorrow.

k did well with her shift bid. she will be home before midnight at least on all of her work days. in fact, she and i have the same start times for saturday and sunday, so we’ll need only take one vehicle. that is good. she took wednesday and thursday off as her pair, so we wil enjoy the time of one day off together to do grocery shopping or whatever.

i have my doctor appointment at 930am monday coming up. i need to discuss these freakin’ headaches. i’m eating (not really, but you know what i mean) advil extra strength migraine gel cap pills. at least every day i need at least one to take the edge off. we also need to go over the blood test results and see what is what with them. i was reading here in blog land many people suffer from different degrees of these dibilitating headaches. it isn’t like they put me out of my mind, for the most part, i can deal with them. but, man oh man, there are days when the sound of my heart beating sounds like someone hitting an anvil with a sledge hammer. that feels so good. i was talking with m at work today about headaches, and he said that i should do some research into health food, and vitamins, his mom has headaches, as well as arthritis, and vitamins and nutritious foods help her tremendously.  i must do some more research. perhaps it will be something really simple that i can change or avoid, or add to my daliy routine to make these headaches to fack off.

speaking of facking off, the last few days have been more and more interesting at work. in fact, the amount of people who call in unprepared is growing. it si so easy to just gather up the necessary stuff BEFORE the call is placed. we have been really busy yesterday and today with flight delays and people who have cars booked for this city and that city, and don’t want to lose the car, but will arrive late, etc. i do my best to rearrange their dates and times, get the flight numbers on the reservation so there is no mistake. i don’t know how people do it, travel all over the US for work, pick up in this city, drop and get on a plane and go to the next place, pick up a car there for a day or two, and go like that for weeks at a time. it must be so exhausting. i usually can sense when a caller is one of those regular travelers, and they stand out in relation to ‘joe who’ who is looking for the best way to save $5.00. come on, ‘joe’, it is $5.00. are you really that hard up that $5.00 is going to make a difference? especially on the bigger costing rentals. i do have a good amount of respect for the everyday person, dont’ get me wrong, but the business traveler is where its’ at. they use our company for all the business rentals, corporate travel, and when they book for personal use, we try harder to find the best deal, after all that is what we do. we don’t choose the highest rate, we stay competitive because we want the business. i want you to let me ‘book that for you’, and i want you to pick up that rental, and enjoy your trip. i want renting a car to be as hassle free as it can be.  i know one thing, i would not want to be an airline reservation agent these days, with all the terrorist threats and the latest events in england. man, what is this world coming to???

well, it is late, and i’m getting tired. the litter boxes have been cleaned for the night shift. k doesn’t get home for another hour or so, i’ll be sound asleep, lord willing, by then. up early in the AM to go to the gym and then come home and get ready for work. another fun filled day in the cube farm. woo hoo. have a good night faithfuls.             poet

the fall shift bid/ramblings

yes it is that time of year at the centre. based on stats and purely performanced based, we take our turns picking our shifts. (it is kinda funny, because what is should be is pick from the left over shifts. anyway, the fall shift bid is always the worst one, insofar as what we have to choose from. my stats were frozen because i was away on medical leave, so my ranking from within the cntre whould not have varied so much as to get the shifts that i will start with in september (when the new shifts take effect). to make a long story short, my new start times are as follows; sat-630am/sun-7am/mon-1015am/tue-1115am/wed-115p, and my day off pair will be thursday and friday. (i was hoping that i would be able to at least stay at what i had this go round, which was 1115 right across, and hopefully get a weekend pair off on a ‘normal weekend’. NOPE. oh well, it could have been worse.( i guess). 

the air conditioner is still my very favorite friend, along with the fans to blow around much coooler air around our home. the lawn is looking nice, and i think i might even need to mow it again before saturday. i am hoping that it will grow enough to do just once a week. we’ll see. i might need to wait and do it on monday. we’ll see.

we are going out to see my parents on monday because mom’s 79th birthday is on the 16th august. we had not been out since like july i think. with our shifts and getting home at the times we do, it just ins’t something we want to do…drive 60 minutes there and back. monday it is i guess.be nice to find something that she would like for a gift, but it is so hard to buy for those who have whatever they need, and get what they want when they want it. 

i don’t really have much else to ramble on about for tonight, going to scrounge up something to eat for supper, and perhaps go to bed early. not sleeping well will do that to a person. went to the gym this morning and will go again tomorrow, i want to see results, man. 

hope all is well in your part of cyberspace. take care and have a good day/night and stay cool/warm wherever you come here from…my fiathful readers friends.                  poet

sunday ramblings

an absolutely beautiful day here. 19C no humidex to concern myself with. a bit warm inside, so i did put the a/c on. i love the air conditioner (sing song voice). had it off over night, and some windows open to let in some fresh air. that works for me. i love cool. not freezing, mind you, just cooler than we have had it. i hope that my faithful readers friends who have also been experiencing heatwaves get some relief soon.

please forgive me for the constant ranting re-job this week. it was HELL. i was not the only agent having difficulty coping with the increased volume of stupid. pffffffffffffft. (just breathe, poet, relax, you aren’t there now). sorry, i digress.

the lawn needs to be groomed. i have not decided what type of mower i want exactly. i would like to give a try to the old fashioned rotary blade (reel) mowers. it would be a good work out, it is quiet and would not pollute the environment. (i am aware of the dangers of pollution, just don’t’ rant about it so much). i’m thinking of taking a tour of the local 2nd hand stores that sell used mowers, and seek some sound advice for purchase of same. it is not like i have 5 acres of lawn to mow ( i have been THERE). it is a small lot with new lawn, andi am sure that the reel mower would be the best option. i know they take some push and sweat power. (it would be a good work out for me, i have always enjoyed mowing lawns) (sick eh?). it is a time when i could just put my thoughts in neutral and let the sound of the mower drown out the world. i remember the sound of the reel mower, dad had one when i was a little kid. the soft snipping sound. yes i think i would like one of those. besides which they are not any less expensive than the bottom of the line gas mower. i have no place to store a mower of any kind. would it not look so cute parked beneath our step with a little raincoat tarp pulled over it for cover? i am making nice with the next door neighbour, (she has a shed for storage), i don’t think that would really be an option. nice idea though.

i decided that the floor needed to be swept. since r is sleeping, i thought it best to avoid getting ‘kenny’ out to vacuum. gary was driving me insane as i swept, however. he thinks that the broom is just another one of his toys. until, that is, he got tapped on his ass with it. we have discovered that with gary, when he is really driving the other cats nutty with chasing them, etc, we have to give him a ‘time out’ in k’s room with the door closed. usually only lasting 5-10 minutes, when we let him out he is much calmer. he will be purring and requiring hugs and snuzzes and this calmer, gentler gary lasts for 2-3 hours. that is good for the rest of the little furballs.

fur! back to sweeping. man, do they shed. the fur accumulates in corners, and when the fans get hold, these tumbleweeds of cat hair roll along the floor. if it wasn’t so gross it would amuse me, how they form. i swear i found one big enough that i listened for a heart beat. eeuuww.

update on jess- yes she still ‘goes’ on the floor. we are going to pick up another litter box and i’ll keep in my room. this does not gross me out. we do clean them about 3 times per day, so that isn’t the issue. the issue is that we believe that she is having territory issues, and i have been getting books from the library on cat behaviour and reading online about multi cat homes, and the ways in which to avoid such action. so we’ll get another box. it may not eliminate the behaviour completely, but it can’t hurt, right?

the dishwasher needs to be emptied, so we can fill it up again. i love the dishwasher (sing song voice again). and i really have to do some heavy duty dusting. been kinda slack since i went back to work. the first month i was off ,before the surgery, i was susie home maker, i tell ya. but being back to work i have no energy left over at the end of the day (which is after 8pm when i get home) to do anything other than eat supper, grab a shower, play online for a bit and go to bed.

we have been trying to be health conscious. we purchase items with splenda rather than sugar, and we also use whole grain items whenever possible. we have found a drink that is very tasty. nestea puts out these little singles that mix with water and make a 550ml drink. they come in flavours i like, that don’t give me heartburn…another story, another post, …and there is no after taste, like there is with drinks that contain aspertame (which is VERY bad). our local grub shak, sobeys, carries a new soft drink, with 0 calories, 0carbs, 0sugar. it is made with splenda and has no after taste. the orange is really good, the cola, well, not as good as the superstore brand of cola. i like pop. or soda, or whatever you wanna call it. and i like the ones with caffeine (addict). most diet soft drinks have huge amounts of sodium included, ( not sure why), and being in a high risk group for heart attacks and strokes, i rather not use sodium in any form. in fact, the only additional salt i use is on french fries with gravy (that i barely ever eat, it is a treat), and eggs. we don’t cook with it and there is half salt here if i really wanted to use it. i like the real thing, but i don’t eat it much. chips are another matter. i rarely eat these anymore either, but when i do, they gots t’be salty. oh look at that, a small bowl just found itself next to me. bwa haa haa.

k called a little while ago, she was on her 45 minutes break. she said it is mind numbingly slow at work. she works on crossword puzzles in between calls. i have messenger up and online in case she gets a chance to log in at work. we are not ‘allowed’ to have diversionary materials at our pods, not ‘allowed’ to surf the net between calls. but we do it anyway. the higher ups know this.

the company picnic, family fun day was yesterday for those who went i am sure they had a great time. for those of us who were at work, there ought to have been some refreshments for us. oh well still with the company, they have changed their bonus structure again. now i really don’t care one way or the other. the word ‘bonus’ means an extra to me. i neither expect it, nor factor it in on paycheques. that way it really is a bonus. there is supposed to be a ‘bonus’ pay this month, based on a small percent of our base salary for the hours worked. the time frame is from january to june 31. this will be a small one for me, as i was off for those three months. but in the ‘front office’ (smoking area) there are those who are really revved up about this. i did mention yesterday to one of the newbies not to bank on bonuses. they give ‘em and they can take ‘em away. they don’t have to give us bonuses for doing our job. it is a reward not to be expected. said newbie was a bit put out by my comment. tough. k’s bonus will be based on her time worked from her hire date, so between eh 2 of us, we ought to get about the same as what i got last year for one full year worked. that works for me. like i said, bonuses are simply that. we are going to use ours to put a healthy payment on the mastercard, and then go paint shopping. we must get our supplies. i am so looking forward to decorating our home. OUR HOME. it has been such a hard road to get here, and so worth it. i love it here.

on a blogger note………go to deni’s page and welcome her back. ! you’ve been missed brattysox. (inserts smile here). have a good sunday and stay warm or cool wherever you’re at. poet